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Names of some identifiable theaters, towns and country music stars have been edited to protect Josh from identifying Google searchs. CAPITALIZED NOUNS indicate my only edits to his posts.
Fans, who wish to track Josh's ongoing travels can read his previous entries here.
On The Road With Josh #4:
Too Much Time In Nashville
Howdy to ye!
The week we've spent in Nashville has actually been pretty boring. Business as usual at the theatre (it HAS been nice to just get up in the morning, walk a block to TPAC, and be done at 11:30am. Having a routine is so profoundly pleasant and important to me these days.) I was not terribly impressed with the location of the hotel, though. Housekeeping was fairly diabolical, but at least it wasn't Greenville, NC, or Huntingdon, TN. We had a day off on Wednesday as our show was cancelled due to a bunch of non-sticking snow, which Tennesseeans believe to be equal, say, God's sin-ridding plague on humanity.
No, indeed this city's news comes to you from my hotel room, I believe is a hub for all that is weird and stupid.
My day started at noon, when I was awakened from a fabulous sleeping-in sleep by a heavily make-upped Latina woman in my room staring at me saying repeatedly, "Housekeeping, hello. Housekeeping hello. What time you want?" Now...I have no idea what the policy is at 3-4 star hotels when it comes to housekeeping staff doing their jobs vs guest privacy, but part of me wants to believe that I was second on the priority list. She waited for me to wake up and tell her to give me a minute, and proceeded with, "How long you want housekeeping?" I reaffirmed that now was definitely not the time, counting on my "good-sleep slobber," messy and yet flattened hair, and scruffy face to add visual conviction to my response. I got up, dressed, read in the lobby for an hour, walked around for an hour, read in the lobby again for an hour, to return to my room which had not been visited by our dear Latina chica. Fuck this. The room was mine for the rest of the day...or was it?
I sat down to watch anything, hoping I would just go back to sleep. No no.
First up, the Jim and Lori Bakker Show...featuring The Jimster taking fifteen minutes to ride around on a Hover-Round scooter in the church where the show tapes, talking about how fun it is and that these are actually used by people who have disabilities, and how isn't that just marvelous, and what a gift from our dear Lord and Savior.... There were 10 people in the cafe style seating watching the show live....this is church, y'all...
I moved on to Cooking with Paula Dean, whose recipes I absolutely adore for their gluttonous fat content and supremely comfortable taste. However the show was taped with her two sons; picture what happens when two boulders come to life, learn how to speak, and try to cook with no hands and you have successfully pictured this episode. One of the menu items today was a wild rice salad, the result of which Paula and the Boulders all looked at after tasting as if it were an unsuccessful science experiment. They each kept saying, "Well that is just beautiful, isn't it? Isn't that just beautiful?" Methinks the Paula was not a fan. Anyway, the topping for this creation was one none other than everyone's favorite spice paprika, pronounced, apparently, pap-oh-ree-kee. I had no idea it was a four-syllabled word, and I am totes ashamed for mis-pronouncing it all these years. She also made totally authentic mexican (pronounced meh-hee-kun) chicken (which really stands for layered chicken pot pie with chiles thrown in...and again, don't forget to add all the fat you possibly can, ya know, just like authentic meh-hee-kuns...from Meh-hee-kuh.)
After the show, I landed on a local access channel -- called CCN, Christian Children's Network -- dedicated to occupying Christian children after school (the non-Christian children have a different channel, and it is called MTV.) The show that was on was a sort of after-school-fun-time-project show, with a hostess named Cathy, a mother of two. She was looking just so smart in her over-sized yellow button-up blouse and denim jumper, complete with poof bangs and an updo secured by a sunflower scrunchy (and this is current, this woman exists and looks like this now, oh yes.) She was demonstrating how to make a behavior control box, ya know, to make play time really shitty for everyone. Materials included a long tissue box, two paper towel rolls, a jello-box, yellow paper, blue paper, pink paper, a marker, glue, and a bottle cap. You wrap and glue the yellow around the tissue box, on the long sides of which you place the blue-wrapped and glued paper towel roles attached with glue (this is Elmer's folks, so the time elapse was key for getting this super-shitty-Christian idea across in fifteen minutes.) On the top center of the tissue box, you place the bottle cap which does fuck-all, and then you glue the pink-wrapped and glued jello box at an angle on the bottle cap. To complete you draw knobs with the marker on the pink box, and what end up with is a mulit-colored, steaming pile of shit to have a nice shitty Christian play time, regimented by a box that has dials you can't turn. Apparently, it was supposed to emulate a scroll of commandments with a modern twist (the twist being the 3D effect of the behavior box proper and dial panel.) I feel Cathy may have had the scrunchy on too tight, or perhaps her bangs were blocking deeper, superior transitions from her mother ship URA-CraZBitch II. Regardless, I'll stick with the devil children's MTV after-school specials, like Pimp My Ride...somehow, it makes play time seem more fun.
The next show blows my mind. Oh yes, it exists, My Big Fat Redneck Wedding, with host Tom Arnold. Take a moment to think about that sentence and give it the appropriate amount of weight and judgement it deserves. Reason number 1,002,876 why other countries hate us, MBFRW explores wedding planning and solutions to lesser-fortunate (read: tornado-bait) individuals all over the U.S. In this episode, I saw a bride wear a hunter green prom dress as her gown, with matching brown nail polish, whose bride's-bitches wore camoflage hunter suits and carried beer can bouquets. The second half of the show focused on another couple who in my book take the cake as the ideal Redneck Wedding candidates. An arched trellis was installed in their mobile home where the ceremony would take place. On the trellis were strung Christmas lights (so far, so good). For added shimmer effect, the husband drank over 200 cans of Budweiser beer and wife-to-be attached them all over the trellis with (what else?) trash bag ties. Now, I wouldn't be as disgusted about this kind of creativity if it had not been for the stacks of wedding magazines piled on the couple's plaid sofa c.1963. But maybe I am being too judgmental, for what could be better...than smelling Budweiser while saying your vows. The dress was purchased on-line for our size-28 denizen of doughy deliciousness, however when it arrived it was a size 8...bit of a crow-bar separation from the possible to the just plain horrifying. But this did not stop her from trying it on (I mean, what harm could that do.) And durn it, wouldn't you know it just didn't quite close in the back..... And after undoubtedly channeling the immortal and inspiringly creative words of Tim Gunn on Project Runaway -- "Make it work." -- a time-tried yet markedly hasty solution was implemented: duct tape. I mean, why alter when you can simply add? Plus, the veil covered it, and it's only for one day. The result was a happy, pig-roast-fed band of merry men and women, and for the couple a truly special day that heralded a lifetime of such memories to come.....
In other news, I purchased a pair of authentic, hand-made American cowboy boots made in China. I love them, and they only cost me $80.
That's all for now.
Joshua
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